devote to arrival

Written in the sky the celestial sign,

Here comes the foreseeable day.

It is time to shine and twine,

And let the stifling worries go away.

thereisnospoon*

We play.It is extreme difficulty. Insane mode. It is single player. There's no cheatcodes, no walkthrough guides. It's a game that pushes us sometimes. Gives us big bosses to slash'n dash in the episode ends. Kills us many times. This is a bug test, a war of nerves. But we fight to see the happy ending video and soon we will finish the game.Single player.

And in time, I want to play the games as married player.

*Cheat code for unlimited mana in Warcraft III

A few Reasons_Freakish or Sensible

When you are in love it is usually hard to find the reasons why you have that deep feelings for your precious one. Is he so handome? Does he treat you better than the others? Does he make you feel that you are standing on the thread between suffer and joy?

First of all I am not a girl who wants more and more everyday. Because of my failed relationships, I learned to be thankful just for being loved and trusted. I believe the power of love and I can be the strongest person when I'm loved.

I have feelings about him since the day I met him. I don't care what you call it, love at first sight or just bare nonsense.I think he is a very talented poet and for my point of view it means he has deep feelings and some kind of an insane soul. I feel shame because I still didn't read all his poems and feel kinda guilty because I guess I killed his muses. There are many things set him apart from Turkish men. His mentality has some similar parts with mine. I cant remember if you ask what are they. He is brave. He is social and active. He likes to try new things, he likes to push his limits. He reads, he loves to read...Can you please show he how many percent of Turkish men read like him? He dives, skies, plays football. Cares about his health. Likes kids. And I must mention that he is the sex god. I can say a lot more things. He maybe an average for himself, but definetly not average for me.

The things set him apart from Turkish men, can be good for some subjects but maybe bad for some others. Well I dont know, because I didnt experienced something like that with him. But it is obvious that there might be mutual problems about it. Because we have different cultures and ways to deal with things. Non of the possible problems can discourage me. Guess this is another topic. Back to main topic.

Let's get to the fantasy part. I usually imagine like he is surrounded by a bright light. I feel like downing on my knees and beg for his bless. In my dreams he is more than any human, he is godlike, he is sacred. He is the divine power that feeds my soul. He fills it, in my heart, there was a miserable hole.

His touch kills me and his gaze takes my soul to heaven. He makes me feel I am very special for him and that is a divine feeling, sometimes the only thing I need. Never enough words to tell about him.  

I can love
But I need his heart
I am strong even on my own
But from him I never want to part*

*Lamb_Gabriel

The butterflies

Butterflies. How beautiful they are, but how short they live. Do beautiful things end early? And can we define the beauty?

They live only a week, the butterflies. They die. They die as we will all die.

I have got butterflies, have never seen them before. They have gentle wings and impatience touchs. I keep them in my mind, feel them inside my chest. They born, grow up, live and die as we all do.

A fragile tranquility, a childish excitement, a trembling voice and a shy smile butterflies give me.

He said that I wont feel them all the time. He meant they will die and I will leave him to find new butterflies. Actually I dont know how to find them, I dont even know where they come from. And they die, it's the law of the nature.

I have got butterflies, they always die and born again to give me hope, for strenghten me.

I have a precious love that will die with me. He is the source of my love and we are the ones who can protect our love, keep it warm and alive. If something goes wrong, we will be swords of the same battle and fight,

standing back to back. This is what I believe.

We are one - incomplete

There's something I usually do when we are online and not talking. I touch his face with cursor and think about touching his face for real. That kinda makes me relax. İnsane. 

I dream about him a lot. About everything. But there's a dream that makes me smile and fills my eyes with tears sometimes. I dream about him while he's holding our child and talking with him. I watch them for a while, the way he looks at him, the way he treats and I can see the happiness in his eyes...it's so sacred.

I feel so depressed actually in these days. I feel like I cant take to be without him anymore. I feel the major emptiness, the pain echoes inside me. But I have to be strong, that is what we all need.

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart 
The waking up is the hardest part 
You roll outta bed and down on your knees 
And for the moment you can hardly breathe"*

*John Mayer_Dreaming with a broken heart

I saw it today. I saw it in his eyes. Desperation of missing the one you love and being not able to touch and care. The bitter thing I feel everyday, the feeling that kills me in every way.

I close my eyes and breath in slowly, try to smell him and have my eyes full with tears.Does he feel it when I cry? Is he feeling it now? This aching heart of mine is crying.

When I remember every little thing we did, I'm so lonely. But he is so talented to make me smile with his visions, just like with his presence. So I smile, smile for the day we shall meet again.The eager heart of mine is smiling.

I don't want to go to sleep without you at nights,

I don't want to wake up without you in the mornings.

I crave your warmth, hunger for your skin,

So I dream of you, hide in the shadow of my dreams

Waiting for them to come true.

The Art of Driving

...11th of June, later that night...

After Turkey-Switzerland match, boys said they want to swim. We went to the beach and I must say that it's always so exciting to see that body wet -purr-. And they had to sleep that night because they would go to diving the other day. I knew I could see him one more time to give the dvd, but I didnt want to go home that night.

I told Roxanne about Rasmus. She was so surprised and she could see my happiness from my face with a never closed mouth because of a huge smiling. Two days later I went to the beach with boys. I couldnt take my eyes on him. After a while he played beachvolley and I talked with Morten. He is not a boring person, it was nice to talk but it was hard to answer when my mind was somewhere/one else. I was turning around and looking at him often. He played maybe for fifteen minutes but it was like hours for me. I remember how I tried to look calm, but my inner child was so fidgety and cheerful.

I think it was the same night, he sent me message that he wants to stop by the hotel I work and say goodbye. I was bursting with joy and feeling sorrow at the same time. Would it be the last time to see him? I even thought about going around their hotel and wait there secretly to see him one more time.

The last day, they stop by the hotel to say goodbye. They were in hurry, we just hugged eachother and they left. When he hugged me he said sorry for sweat and I said no problem and I was saying "do you think I care? just hold me tight and never let go" from the inside. I said "see you later" it sounded like weird. But somehow I felt like we will see eachother again.

I was so down and depressed everytime I thought about him. But then a magnificent feeling put a silly smile upon my face. It was kinda spell. He cast a spell on me, dazed me with his charm and I was facinated by his glory. Orr I was blind a.k.a. in love. And I began to ask myself "Is there such a thing called love at first sight?"

"Do you believe in love at first sight?
 Do you believe in fate?
 I believe the good things
 Only come to those who wait"* 

*Black Box Recorder_The Art of Driving